Sound advice to my daughter and other daughters

I have a wonderful daughter named Lisa. She is the most perfect daughter a mother could ask for. I am very proud of her. She is beautiful, intelligent, sweet and very laid back (if I hadn't given birth to her, I would swear she is adopted) :)

She is very lucky and has found a wonderful man, Mike.

I tried to give Lisa sound advice about men. And apparently it worked because she got a good man. So, I thought I would share some of my advice with other daughters out there.

We shall call this one: Women's Instruction Book

1. Never do housework. No man every made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

2. Remember that you are known by the idiot you accompany.

3. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

4. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You lock the door behind him.

5. So many men - so many reason not to sleep with any of them.

6. If they can put a man on the moon, they should be able to put all of them there.

7. Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

8. Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.

9. The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks.

10. Never sleep with a man who has named his penis.

11. You might as well go for younger men. They never mature, anyway.

12. A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest is unquestionably gay.

13. Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

14. Definition of a bachelor: a man who missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

15. Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself type.

16. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest that they're too old for it.

17. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

18. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

19. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years, proving that even in the biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.

20. If he asks what sort of books you like, tell him checkbooks.

21. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night."

22. Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even bother to have lunch with.

23. Remember, a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes - it means you laugh at his (jokes, not anatomy).

24. If he asks you if you're faking it, tell him no, you're just practicing.

25. Sadly, all men are created equal.

26. When he asks you if he's your first, tell him, "You may be. You look familiar."

Now most men reading this will get insulted - oh boo hoo - you are the same men that are at least 50 pounds overweight but yet you want a "skinny petite woman". And have you ever noticed when a strong, intelligent woman discusses the truth about men, then the man says "oh, that woman has issues with men." I will probably write more about this "issue" thing later.

Anyways, more advice. I always tried to teach Lisa to "treat people the way you want to be treated". So, I gave her these words of advice - of what NOT to say to a naked man.

1. I've smoked joints fatter than that.

2. Awwwww...it's cute.

3. Why don't we just cuddle?

4. You know they have surgery to fix that.

5. Make it dance.

6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?

7. Wow ! And your feet are so big.

8. It's ok, we'll work around it.

9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

10. Oh no...a flash headache.

11. (giggle and point)

12. Can I be honest with you?

13. How sweet, you brought incense.

14. This explains your car.

15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

16. Why is God punishing me?

17. At least this won't take long.

18. I never saw one like that before.

19. But it still works, right?

20. Is looks so unused.

21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

22. Why don't we just skip right to the cigarettes?

23. Are you cold?

24. If you get me real drunk first.

25. Is that an optical illusion?

26. What is that?

27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

28. Does it come with an air pump?

29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

30. I guess this makes me the early bird.

31. I can't find it.

Guess I should give some advice here to men too. Let's be fair.
Things Girls Want Guys to Know:

1. Don't ever lie to us, we always find out.

2. We don't enjoy talking dirty to you as much as you enjoy listening.

3. Don't say you understand when you don't.

4. Girls are petty, get over it.

5. You don't have PMS; don't act like you know what it's like. (side note - I personally think PMS stands for Putting up with Men's Sh*t - so, since I don't have a man, I don't suffer from PMS)

6. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing something sweet will always get you off the hook.

7. If you talk about having a big dick, we know you don't.

8. Size DOES matter.

9. We don't like it when you act like Mr. Big; we like it when you are Mr. Big.

10. A system in your car only impresses your homeboys.

11. No matter what you say, your ex girlfriend is a hoe.

12. It's good to be sensitive, sometimes.

13. If you did something wrong or even if you didn't, apologize.

14. Be spontaneous, dinner and a move won't always cut it.

15. We are self-conscious by nature, we can't help it.

16. Don't ask us to give head; if you are nice you just might get it.

17. We absolutely do not care about monster trucks, car systems, paintball, football, or anything else you and your friends talk about.

18. Hugs and kisses must be given at all times.

19. We don't shave our legs every day, get over it.

20. Don't make bets about us, we always find out.

21. Shave - no matter how cool you think it looks, we hate it.

22. Even if you think it's cook to burp, fart, or emit other strange gases from your body, it is not.

23. Don't compare our breasts with Pamela Anderson's - hers are fake.

24. It is not cool to shoot snot rockets.

25. We will always think we are fat - so humor us and tell us we aren't.

26. You can shoot hoops, score a goal, knock down big fat guys, and hit a little baseball with a stick so why can't you piss in the toilet and not ON it??

27. Most importantly - we are always right - so don't forget it.