Be Careful What You Wish For

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket everytime?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agree with everything I say."

Beauty and the Beast

Let's think for a while...shall we?? Ever notice in fairy tales that the beautiful woman falls in love with the "beast"? Ever notice that there isn't a fairy tale where there is a prince and he falls in love with the "old, fat, withered step-mother"??

I got to thinking...maybe it's because women are more "accepting" than men are. Women just want a nice man...period. He can be purple with 4 ears but if he is nice to her, then *bam*, she is his. But, men on the other hand, are not as accepting of people's flaws. Now, I am not saying ALL men - just the majority of them. That fine minority of men that have evolved to know that women of all shapes and sizes are lovable - that's it's the woman's heart and character is what you fall in love with - not her size....that is the kind of man that I am looking for.

I have had plenty of arguments with men about them wanting a "skinny petite woman"....this is after they have found out that I am "fluffy". Oh, they liked talking to me when they thought I was skinny...but once they found out I am "fluffy" then things got bitter. My daughter says I antagonize them :) I just say they started it.

Some remark about health...oh, that it's not healthy to be overweight and that I really should do something about it. Well, we are all going to die..something is going to get us...ever notice that even the skinny people die??? So, that health argument doesn't hold a candle to me.

Oh, one man even had the audacity to claim he was a Christian but yet he wanted a skinny, petite woman. I asked him why, since he blantately stated that he was a Christian, he was being so judgmental. He claimed that being overweight was like witchcraft - it was evil. Just remember, this was coming from a man that stated he was 5'6" and weighed 185. Of course, he claims that he is not overweight, that his is all muscle. Hmmmm, I wonder if I could start telling people that I am "muscular"...nah, I still like "fluffy". Oh, and then he proceeds to put in a photo of himself from the 70's, claiming that he will send an updated photo to the women that he approves of. Gee, how lucky for them. Thank God, I wasn't approved of. He blocked me when I told him that yes, I was a Christian and that God made me fluffy to keep mean, judgmental men away from me. :)

One argument I get from men is "oh sure, women won't date ugly men or midgets or one-legged men". Well, excuse me, but I did. No, never dated a midget - but if one came around and he was nice and he asked me out, I would go. I have dated "ugly" and a one-legged man. Like I said, I go for the heart (wait a minute, that sounds like I am killing them - but you know what I meant)...I go for the man's insides - if he is nice, then he gets to stay around.

One man that didn't get to stay around was overweight and was recovering from just suffering a stroke. He walked with a limp and part of his body was still kind of paralyzed from the stroke. We talked on the computer and decided to meet. He told me, "oh, you are going to be just like the other women I have met - you will take one look at me walking funny and say 'oh, we will just be friends' ". Well, we met and I didn't say that to him. I accepted him for what he was. Why did I get rid of him, you wonder?? Because he had the nerve to tell me, "you know Diane, being overweight is life-threatening". Hmmm,,,this came from an overweight man who had had a stroke!! Maybe he didn't want to be around when I have my stroke...heck if I know..but anyways, he was gone.

But, on a good note, not all men dump me because I am overweight. One man dumped me because he said I "require too much attention and affection". This bothered me for a while until a wise man told me that the man said that because he couldn't give it to me.

Like I have said before, if God wants me to have a man - He will send me one. I am not going out looking for him - well, I will look on the computer but that is probably just to "antagonize". Hence, the reason for this blog. I sure wish a man would write in and complain so the whole world can see how I antagonize. :)

But, in the mean time, I have accumulated some quotes on appearances for men to consider.

"God does not judge according to your bodies and appearances but He scans your hearts and looks into your deeds."
Mohammed

"Are we changing the idea of what beauty is? Let's hope so. I'm not the typical Hollywood beauty. Let's hope we're looking at the insides of people a little more."
Ann Heche

"appearances are often deceiving."
Aesop quotes

"For the great majority of mankind are satisfied with appearance, as though they were realities and are often more influenced by the things that seem than by those that are."
Niccolo Machiavelli

"Men in general judge more from appearances than from reality. All men have eyes, but few have the gift of penetration."
Niccolo Machiavelli

"Why not be oneself? That is the whole secret of a successful appearance. If one is a greyhound, why try to look like a Pekingese?"
Dame Edith Sitwell

"You don't love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or for their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear."

"I have yet to meet a man as fond of high moral conduct as he is of outward appearances."
Confucius

Sound advice to my daughter and other daughters

I have a wonderful daughter named Lisa. She is the most perfect daughter a mother could ask for. I am very proud of her. She is beautiful, intelligent, sweet and very laid back (if I hadn't given birth to her, I would swear she is adopted) :)

She is very lucky and has found a wonderful man, Mike.

I tried to give Lisa sound advice about men. And apparently it worked because she got a good man. So, I thought I would share some of my advice with other daughters out there.

We shall call this one: Women's Instruction Book

1. Never do housework. No man every made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

2. Remember that you are known by the idiot you accompany.

3. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

4. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You lock the door behind him.

5. So many men - so many reason not to sleep with any of them.

6. If they can put a man on the moon, they should be able to put all of them there.

7. Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

8. Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.

9. The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks.

10. Never sleep with a man who has named his penis.

11. You might as well go for younger men. They never mature, anyway.

12. A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest is unquestionably gay.

13. Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

14. Definition of a bachelor: a man who missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

15. Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself type.

16. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest that they're too old for it.

17. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

18. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

19. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years, proving that even in the biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.

20. If he asks what sort of books you like, tell him checkbooks.

21. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night."

22. Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even bother to have lunch with.

23. Remember, a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes - it means you laugh at his (jokes, not anatomy).

24. If he asks you if you're faking it, tell him no, you're just practicing.

25. Sadly, all men are created equal.

26. When he asks you if he's your first, tell him, "You may be. You look familiar."

Now most men reading this will get insulted - oh boo hoo - you are the same men that are at least 50 pounds overweight but yet you want a "skinny petite woman". And have you ever noticed when a strong, intelligent woman discusses the truth about men, then the man says "oh, that woman has issues with men." I will probably write more about this "issue" thing later.

Anyways, more advice. I always tried to teach Lisa to "treat people the way you want to be treated". So, I gave her these words of advice - of what NOT to say to a naked man.

1. I've smoked joints fatter than that.

2. Awwwww...it's cute.

3. Why don't we just cuddle?

4. You know they have surgery to fix that.

5. Make it dance.

6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?

7. Wow ! And your feet are so big.

8. It's ok, we'll work around it.

9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

10. Oh no...a flash headache.

11. (giggle and point)

12. Can I be honest with you?

13. How sweet, you brought incense.

14. This explains your car.

15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.

16. Why is God punishing me?

17. At least this won't take long.

18. I never saw one like that before.

19. But it still works, right?

20. Is looks so unused.

21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.

22. Why don't we just skip right to the cigarettes?

23. Are you cold?

24. If you get me real drunk first.

25. Is that an optical illusion?

26. What is that?

27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.

28. Does it come with an air pump?

29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.

30. I guess this makes me the early bird.

31. I can't find it.

Guess I should give some advice here to men too. Let's be fair.
Things Girls Want Guys to Know:

1. Don't ever lie to us, we always find out.

2. We don't enjoy talking dirty to you as much as you enjoy listening.

3. Don't say you understand when you don't.

4. Girls are petty, get over it.

5. You don't have PMS; don't act like you know what it's like. (side note - I personally think PMS stands for Putting up with Men's Sh*t - so, since I don't have a man, I don't suffer from PMS)

6. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing something sweet will always get you off the hook.

7. If you talk about having a big dick, we know you don't.

8. Size DOES matter.

9. We don't like it when you act like Mr. Big; we like it when you are Mr. Big.

10. A system in your car only impresses your homeboys.

11. No matter what you say, your ex girlfriend is a hoe.

12. It's good to be sensitive, sometimes.

13. If you did something wrong or even if you didn't, apologize.

14. Be spontaneous, dinner and a move won't always cut it.

15. We are self-conscious by nature, we can't help it.

16. Don't ask us to give head; if you are nice you just might get it.

17. We absolutely do not care about monster trucks, car systems, paintball, football, or anything else you and your friends talk about.

18. Hugs and kisses must be given at all times.

19. We don't shave our legs every day, get over it.

20. Don't make bets about us, we always find out.

21. Shave - no matter how cool you think it looks, we hate it.

22. Even if you think it's cook to burp, fart, or emit other strange gases from your body, it is not.

23. Don't compare our breasts with Pamela Anderson's - hers are fake.

24. It is not cool to shoot snot rockets.

25. We will always think we are fat - so humor us and tell us we aren't.

26. You can shoot hoops, score a goal, knock down big fat guys, and hit a little baseball with a stick so why can't you piss in the toilet and not ON it??

27. Most importantly - we are always right - so don't forget it.